Legal

Privacy Policy

A document you'll actually read because it doesn't take itself seriously.

Last updated: May 2025  ·  Effective immediately, whether you like it or not

tHeY aCtUaLlY rEaD tHe TlDr

We collect absolutely nothing about you.
Like, genuinely nothing.

No data. No tracking. No servers. No idea who you are. We couldn't pick you out of a lineup if we tried. This entire document exists because Apple requires it — and because we thought it'd be funnier than the alternative.

1. The Data We Collect (an incomplete list)

We take data collection very seriously. Extremely seriously. We have spreadsheets. Below is everything we know about you:

Behavioral
Your Daily Sarcasm Index (DSI)
A rolling 24-hour score of how sarcastic you are. Peaks on Monday mornings and whenever someone says "per my last email." Expressed in units of eye rolls per hour.
Social
Cookout Eligibility Score
Proprietary algorithm. Factors include: do you bring the potato salad or show up with a store-bought bag of chips? We share this with exactly zero parties, because it's personal.
Psychographic
Passive-Aggression Ratio
Your ratio of passive-aggressive to regular-aggressive text. If it's over 4:1, we're concerned but not surprised. "No worries!" sent at 11pm tells us everything.
Clinical
Fine-ness Assessment
The number of times you've typed "I'm fine" when you are, by any objective measure, not fine. We are tracking this for your own good. You're not fooling anyone.
Predictive
Almost-Texted-Your-Ex Index
How many times you opened a conversation, started typing, and then thought better of it. We're proud of you. We don't store this. We just want you to know we noticed.
Culinary
Brunch Enthusiasm Level
Scale of 1–10. Measured by how often you type "brunch?" versus how often you type "ugh, people." Calibrated seasonally. Higher in spring. Obviously.
Linguistic
Ironic lol Usage Rate
Whether your "lol" means you actually laughed, or you typed it instead of screaming into a pillow. There is a difference. We know the difference. Do you?
Interpersonal
Beef Inventory
A list of people you're currently beefing with, inferred from your typing speed and pattern intensity. Stored securely. Not shared. Not judged. (Lightly judged.)
Occupational
Meeting Survival Rate
The percentage of meetings that "could have been an email," calculated from your usage spikes during business hours. We feel for you. We really do.
Temporal
3am Chaos Score
What were you doing typing sarcastic messages at 3 in the morning? We have theories. We're not sharing them. But we have them.

Okay but actually: We collect none of this. Zero. We don't have servers. We don't have spreadsheets. We couldn't tell you your sarcasm level if our lives depended on it. The app works entirely on your device and has never, not once, phoned home. We just wanted you to read a privacy policy for once in your life.

2. The Boring List of Things We Actually Don't Collect

For legal completeness — and because Apple asked nicely — here is the real list of data we do not collect, have never collected, and have no interest in collecting:

Sarcasm Keyboard makes zero network requests. It doesn't need the internet. It doesn't want the internet. It is, by design, blissfully unaware that the internet exists.

3. The Keyboard — Yes, We Know That's a Sensitive One

You gave a keyboard access to your typing. That's a lot of trust. We take it seriously even when we're not taking other things seriously.

iOS requires that keyboard extensions ask for "Full Access" before they can do things like make network requests or access the clipboard. Sarcasm Keyboard does not request Full Access. We don't need it. The keyboard transforms your text locally, in memory, and hands it back to whatever app you're typing in. That's the whole thing.

The only thing that ever gets saved is the transformed output — the sarcastic version — if you let it land in History. Not what you typed originally. Just the funny version. Because that's all we care about.

4. History — Your Greatest Hits, Locally Stored

The app keeps a local log of your transformed text so you can copy that masterpiece you typed three days ago. This data:

You can delete individual entries, or nuke all of it at once from the History tab. We will not be offended. We will not remember. We will not know.

5. In-App Purchases — We Like Money, Apple Handles It

Sarcasm Keyboard Pro is a one-time purchase. All payment processing is done by Apple through the App Store. We receive exactly one piece of information: that a purchase happened. That's it. No card details, no billing address, nothing.

We store a single boolean on your device that says you've unlocked Pro. It says true. It does not know your name.

6. Changes to This Policy

If this policy ever needs to change in a meaningful way — which would only happen if we added some actual data collection, which we currently have zero plans to do — we'll update the date above and mention it in the App Store release notes.

If the change is significant, we'll make the sarcasm louder so you notice.

7. Questions? Concerns? Unsolicited Opinions?

If you read this whole thing and still have questions, we genuinely respect the commitment. We respond to real questions. Vibes are optional.

✓ Sent. We'll get back to you.